a new year dawns...

1st of Jan, 2007. nice weather too. plus the water levels finally dropped.
yesterday... was pretty unexpected, to say the best. a long-lost family member (not officially, but we consider her part of our family now) came to visit. i'm pretty surprised she remembered the way though. but it does bring back lotsa memories. it's also when i began to wonder, where did i lose my focus? that single-minddedness of pure determination? when i find the answer, my time will probably be done, too.

one of the first questions she asked, though, was again, the old whether you got that someone... and my answer always remains the same, until the time comes by which it is changed out of my control, when the thick wall of ice here begins to melt. as for now, I'm pretty content to keep off the stage, and be the observer of surroundings. observation can net rather some benefits to those with a keen eye. and i am going to be observing rather more keenly next year... plus i've just picked up a few tips on behaviourial and gesturial movements...

...

sometimes, the older stuff can be unpolished gems. watching a 1980s production i was rather surprised when it starte to move me a little, and that comes from a person being rather hard. some of the philosophies included are rather intriguing.

for instance, did anyone ever give thought to the fact that however few privileges we have, we always try to get more, and are never willing to part with them? we all subconsciously realize (i hope) that when all privileges are deprived, we become scum. nothing but the lowlife of the lowlife, existing just for the sake of existing. and these priviledges are governed by rules, which are created artificially by man. which other animal in the animal kingdom has such a rigid and extensive rule that does not come about as an instinct? and the saying i won't forget, which i brought from this show, is that "no matter how they fence us in, or treat us like ****, we stay as strong and alive as we want, and as we always have been. "

now, of course the old saying is that "no man is an island", and we all know society is comprised of so many ppl and we all need to depend on each other and yadda yadda yadda. but just a thought: wouldn't we be pretty useless if we can't even depend on ourselves? if we were removed from people, would we collapse? it's kinda unnerving to think we've come to rely and depend on other people so much that we've forgotten how to use our own strength.

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and new year resolution? hmm... i have one.

i'm going to try and find the missing ingredient. in primary school most classmates aren't that close because you know, we're like 6, brains haven't fully become functional yet, memory is limited blah blah blah. in sec school is where the real bonding and stuff comes in.

somehow, that is missing in JC. even in university, from what i've heard. i want to know what has changed, or rather why it has changed. there's just something.. missing... even in CCAs, (excluding the council, which is in a league of its own) there's just something... missing. that warmth, i think. and i'm gonna try find out what exactly it is.

bah

stupid earthquake fiasco... can't even do research properly now...

bah i say. so nice, bang on the spot. it's almost like a fire happening in school and burning all the exam scripts, hurting nobody. or a snowfall that buries the school but no other buildings.

can't even post properly now because of the internet lag issues. you can't believe how long it takes to freaggin load a page.

i guess an update will have to wait till all this is over...

all right, all right

that last song was a little too hippy. but i just had to find something to fill up the gap before i find something useful =P hehe. by the way, the last song was the opening theme of strawberry panic, if anyone wanted to know. and yea, it's a little irritating to listen to something you don't listen to. so i find something that's half and half. good combination =P

@ paul: yeeesh, thanks for letting me use that quote =]
@ gordon: hey, i listen to music i like. and i don't post something i know nothing about. every music i post here, i've translated, understood and made sure it shows or reflects something i want it to, ok? heehee.

going vac next week. won't be back till 19th. well. sigh.
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i don't usually have dreams. so each one is kinda treated like a vision. but then again, it isn't wise to rely on them too much. dreams are random bursts of energy, nothing more. it may illuminate, and it may illude. but anyway, what i did get from this is that favourtism will be around all the time, however minor we try to make it. something about either in favour or not in favour, somehow it'll lean to one side, and it's difficult to make it balance exactly.

another quote i thought was also rather good. "a heart filled with loneliness and solidarity can only be identified and connected with another of similar stature. perhaps this is what draws people together." well it does kinda explain why we pine for companionship, doesn't it? a cold shell is difficult to be broken by a warm heart, as i've found out the past couple of years. nay, it takes understanding more than anything to break that shell. and understanding is something that eludes...

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ah yes, existence. been having the thought in my head for a while since watching a certain show (cough SnS sough) our existence is only measured by hoe people remember us, is it not? the more people who have our memory in their hearts, the more brightly our existence shines in this world. like a part of us will be tied down to this earth. however, if everyone should cease to remember us, will our existence then cease? would we be wiped off the face of the planet, or just be another living, empty soul that nobody sees, hears etc?

death isn't final, it seems. the finality comes when the last shred of your memory is gone from the earth. when nobody has the knowledge you ever walked this earth. the feeling you get when remembering a lost loved one... that's their existence burning bright within us, is what i feel. Do not forget about them, for as long as we remember them, they stay with us. if we leave them, then, and only then, will they truly be alone, in another world or dimension.

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and one last loaded question before i go: can you remember the exact place and situation where you first met your best friend? no tricks here. but i'm willing to wager more than 80% will not be able to answer this simple question.

recovery

replies: uhh... don't use that nick. i *really* dont want to be reminded of the ordeal i just went through trying not to gag and throw up over what i just watched >< but as for the questions... a good one. maybe, you'll never know now, would you? it has been my choice not to step on the stage, but rather watch from the sidelines and play a support role. may mean that my day of limelight won't ever come, but watching those you cherish receive the glamour of a fortunate life is a reward in its own, is it not? nothing but the best for them. (watch kasimasi =P)

legs are still suffering from lactic acid poisoining. no that's not something i ate. it just means cramps after over-exerting it... maybe next time it wouldn't be too wise to play DDR until 3:30 in the morning like i did on manday... i think i would have gone on if somebody else didn't request the PS2... then again, it's exercise. heh. makes up for all the physical stuff i missed since the start of the holidays. sometimes i wish i had kouga's shikon no tama shards >_> never mind eh (watch inuyasha =])

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hmm a quote from someone (let's hope this someone remembers he wrote it =])
"Anyway, my guy friends and I were talking cock some time ago and we agreed that girls are actually damn naughty but the only difference between guys and girls is that guys express it more often whereas girls do less."
you might be interested to know that scientific study has shown that girls oogle a lot more than guys, even though they never get caught. why? women have peripheral vision, with larger eye area, allowing them to see more without turning their heads, while men have tunnel vision, which is a smaller eye area but more elongated backwards, which allows them to see things froma greater distance but less area covered without moving the neck. so they almost always get caught when oogling =]
but yea, knowledge and expression are two rather different things... this is due to the sexual cycles of humans... for some very weird reason, the sexual activity of males peak around age 18 (yes that's us >_>) but for women that's more like around 40, with the intensity about 2/3 to 3/4. in fact right now (with the exception of hormonal changes) they aren't interested in procreation at all...
there's a difference between knowing something (and therefore not being ignorant when *some people* are crackign dirty jokes) and expressing it freely... the only reason why we'redoing so is... well... because the guys are raving for some activity with no outlet, i guess. roles change past 36 though, you'd be surprised how... forward and ... interesting some of those lil "young aunties" can be =P

another quote from the ending episode of a drama i thought was simply GREAT. then again, it's a shoujo anime, and i'm SURE most guys will fall asleep in the middle of episode two... i'm even going to give it it's own paragraph.

"To yearn for the other's heart, to love the other's spirit. Love is hard to express in words, and neither can it be seen. It can sometimes be painful, and deepen other's wounds. It can even be used as a weapon to inflict harm on others. But, humankind will still yearn for love, because that is the reason for their existence. The pain in separation, the joy in reunion, the connecting of hearts, the happiness, sadness, anger... In order to taste all of that, we will yearn for love. Tha's why life exists. When you reach the point of decision, please make the right choice. No matter how painful, no matter how sad, with love, life will not lose the meaning of it's existence."

eh, the translation was quite accurate, i hope. word-for-word is tough >_>(why are all the good stuff in a language other than english ><). anyway. yeah. when you comprehend the meaning of that... well... then i guess we know how to live life to the fullest.

speaking of love, Mr Sithu, some sec 2 english/english lit teacher suddenly pops up. well not that i'd ever forget him for his terrible pickup-lines, but there was something which i haven't understood completely, although i'm sure dear classmate zy does... something about 5 stages of love... love as respect, love as romance and don't know what else.. ah heck, maybe someone out there could enlighten...

well... that's all for now... there's something i wanted to add about existence... but i'll leave that for now as it's really getting pretty heavy, i think =]